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Showing posts from January, 2015

Messiness

Dear blogosphere,

I have not abandoned you. Yes, I realize it has been quite a while since you have heard from me. I've been ... adjusting. Sometimes I have done that well; other times it has been a struggle.

It's called re-entry. Or reverse culture shock.

StudyAbroad.com describes reverse culture shock as having four phases:

DisengagementInitial euphoriaIrritability and hostilityReadjustment and adaption Yeah, I'm in stage three. Not so fun. Though that title may make it sound a little over dramatic. I'm not walking around like the Hulk. I just tend to frustrate easily: when things aren't like they were in France or I feel like someone doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Oh, did I mention the disorientation? I can't quite seem to get a grip on my schedule; some days I am pretty sure that if I didn't have my head screwed on, I would walk out the door without it. I lost my keys the other day. In the car.
How to describe it in one sentence?
I love…

Learning To Be Still

Almost four months ago, I shared with you about my fear of hitting one small button. Once I did, I would have submitted my application for a grant to the Fulbright program. Do you remember why I was struggling to do it?
"What if I did something wrong? What if it's not enough? What if I don't get it? What then?" And after rereading the story of Esther I came to this conclusion:
"If I did something wrong, I did something wrong. If it's not enough, it's not enough. If I don't get it, I don't get it. What then? Then God." So I hit the submit button.

And yesterday I got the reply.

No.

You know what my immediate thought was?

What did I do wrong?

That was quickly followed by: What now?

Now, be still.

Not audible, but I heard it all the same. A whisper that is becoming familiar. You see my first instinct was to do something. I am a doer. That is how I handle most situations. I do something.

But right now God is asking me to be still. I want to react by c…

The 60 MPH Slow Down

Yesterday I was driving to my new apartment. It's actually my sister's apartment, but for me it's my new apartment. It will be home for the next four months at least. It was "move-in day".

I was driving along the back country roads that lie between my parents house and the city, going around 60 miles per hour (96 kph).

It felt like I was crawling.

Honestly, I think I was counting the number of weeds along the side of the road. For an American road, going 60 mph is pretty quick. Unless you're on the interstate. But still, it is nothing to sneeze at.

Unless you're used to high-speed trains that zip through the countryside at 200 miles per hour.

After living in France and taking their high-speed train network everywhere I went, my perceptions on speed changed. 60 mph feels like crawling.

I didn't actually want to drive any faster; I was after all in control of a huge piece of metal. I wanted to stay in control. But it felt like I was moving in slow motio…

Looking Forward

This morning I pulled out my journal. The same one that I've had since 2010. Yeah, I don't journal much. I was on my way to the back of it to write (obviously, right?). But as I flipped through the pages, I slowed to read a few entries. And sighed.

What I read didn't make me happy. That journal is nearly five years old now. In it I have written my mountain top moments and my low moments. And as I flipped from entry to entry, I read the same things over and over again.

Here I was thinking that this past year had grown me so much, yet I was struggling with the same things that I had five years ago. Same struggles, same mountain top moments. Had I made any progress in my walk with Jesus? Talk about dissatisfying. And feeling like a failure before my God.

But then I hit the entry for July 14, 2013. When I got to the bottom of that entry and read the words, I was shocked. Not at the prayer itself, but in realizing that a year and a half later I could see the answer.
"God I…