I'm Not Perfect
I'm not perfect.
That's actually harder to say than I'd like to admit.
You see, I try to make sure that I look like I have it all together. Truth is I don't really.
Growing up, I was the preacher's daughter. That is a very public position to be in. And - in spite of my parents best efforts to remind me that they didn't have any expectations because I was the preacher's daughter - I felt the pressure to be perfect.
Now I'm not saying I ever was; but I tried my hardest to be a good girl. To do the things I was supposed to and to live by all the rules. I wanted to be a good example.
And I started out with the right intentions. I wanted to serve Jesus. So I helped around the church and I did the missions trips. All the things I was supposed to or "expected" to do. But over time I lost the "why". And I started doing those things because I thought that is what people expected me to do. I had built up an image of me that looked good; I didn't want to mess that up.
I remember the first summer I choose not to go on a mission board sanctioned mission trip for the summer; I almost went. I did. But I knew I couldn't when my reason for going was: "What will everyone think if I don't go?"
That's when I knew my motives were all wrong. I was striving to be perfect because I had built an image of perfection that I wanted to live up to. I liked being known as the good girl. The dependable one. But it was all about me.
The March I decided that I wasn't going on a mission trip, I wrote a "Note" on Facebook. Here are two sections that I'd like to share:
I was sitting in a pew at 6:30 AM for Easter Sunrise Service. And for the first time in a really long time, I was asking myself "Why am I here?" Not in a bad way, mind you. Not in a "What am I doing out of bed this early?" kind of way. No it was more like, "What is the purpose of my being here?" Was I only there because I was supposed to be? Was I there because I'm the preacher's kid and that's what people expect from me? Was I there because of the big buffet style breakfast that was afterward? Why?
I realized it all comes down to why I'm doing what I'm doing. If I'm doing it just to do it, then maybe I need to think about what I'm doing. I need to be able to look at my relationship with Jesus, and when I ask why am I doing what I'm doing, I need to be able to say "because of Jesus". And if I can't, maybe I need to sit on a pew and ask Jesus to help me decide why.And nearly a year and a half later, I sit here reminding myself of that again. Not specifically about sitting in a pew at 6:30 in the morning. It's actually late in the evening.
But why? Why do I do the things that I do? Is it for self glorification? So people will look at me and say "Great job, Elizabeth!" Or is it for the glory of God?
Colossians 1:16 states, "For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him."
I was created for Him. I was created to glorify Him with everything I do. If I do the things I do for me, whatever happiness or glory I get out of it will be short lived. It won't satisfy me. It won't! Because my heart's desire is to glorify the One I was created by. The One I was created for.
So no, I'm not perfect. And it's time I say that because I need to stop doing what I'm doing keep up whatever image I've created. It's time to know why I do things: to Glorify the God I was created for.