The Grove: Singleness
It has been a while since I blogged about the Velvet Ashes word prompt. And to be honest, this is not really the week I want to rejoin that discussion. Because this is the topic:
Touchy topic for an almost twenty-one year old who has never even been asked on a date.
Let me start by saying being single isn't all bad. Because I was single, I spent three of the last four summers doing summer missions - something I might not have done had I had a boyfriend. I decided to move to France for a year to study - again something I probably wouldn't have done had I been in a relationship. A boyfriend would have at least made those decisions much harder to make.
That being said, I don't like being single.
And I do get tired of the comments.
"Are you dating anyone?"
"Bring home a boyfriend from France!"
Even my parents somewhat playful, somewhat serious: "You do know we want grand-kids, right?"
Because it's not like I don't want a guy in my life.
If you ask any of my friends, they'll tell you I'm a little housewife. I love to cook for and take care of people. I even had one friend tell me - while I was making homemade cinnamon rolls for a group of friends - that I would make a great mom someday. Those words made me smile, but they also made me hurt a little.
I share all these thoughts with you about singleness to get to this one point, one that I don't really want to admit.
I don't trust God with my singleness.
There I said it.
It's an area of my life I'm still hanging onto with stubborn tenacity. What if He asks me to stay single? Or what if He asks me to wait for years and years? What if I never get to wash the dirty laundry my husband and son bring back from a camping trip? What if I never get to make those cinnamon rolls for my daughter and her friends when they have a sleepover? Because in spite of the attitude most women have toward doing those things, I want to do them.
I am afraid to give my singleness to God because I know the what-ifs. I know He could bless me immensely but I also know He could say "no" or "wait" and those are two words I really don't want to hear.
So that is where I stand on singleness.
I don't have a tidy little wrap up for this post. So instead, I leave you with my heartfelt prayer.
Father, I want to trust You with my singleness, I do. But I don't know how to let go. Teach me to trust that You have a plan, and, not only is it good, it is better than mine. Help me to have the heart knowledge and not just the head knowledge that whether single or in a relationship Your plan is the best story and the one I want to live.