Struggling With God


It's the one word I would pick to describe my last few weeks.

A quick Google search turns up the following definition of struggle:
"Make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction"
Which is actually ironic.

Now that I have you thoroughly confused, let me explain. When I pick the word struggle, I don't mean it in the way you might hear someone say "It's been a struggle" or "I'm riding the struggle bus". Not that it wasn't a hard few weeks. It was. But right now the word struggle means far more.

I've shared before that when I began this journey to France I knew that God would challenge me to trust Him. I've also shared that trusting Him began much earlier than I thought. So what does that have to do with struggle?

My struggle the last few weeks has been in trusting God with control.

I really like feeling like I'm in control. I might be a bit obsessed with it. You might understand that feeling.

In the past few weeks, I have struggled with God. I've struggled with giving Him control. That definition I gave you earlier? Yes, I've made forceful and violent efforts in my relationship with Jesus Christ to have control. I felt restricted by giving Him that. I let my thoughts and my heart rebel. I'm not proud of it. But I did it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I got to a point where I could not struggle anymore. I did not have control. And God made sure I knew it.

You know in the book of Genesis (32:22-32) God literally struggled with Jacob. This is the passage God brought to mind this weekend. I serve a God who loves me, but He also demands my everything because He is God. Even my want to feel in control.

It still amazes me that He would love me enough to struggle with me until I reached the point of giving it to Him. It may not sound like love to you, but when I look at the alternative I see love. I see a God who could have walked away. He could have said "Enough is enough, I'm not dealing with this anymore." But He didn't. He let me struggle through the past few weeks.

For me, the struggle is not done. I'm having to make a conscious effort in every situation that arises to give Him control. It's a decision.

I said earlier that the definition of struggle was ironic. By struggling to have control, I was restricting myself. By giving God control, I feel better than I have in weeks. No, I DO NOT have control. I don't need to have control. God, Ruler of the Universe, is taking care of it all for me.

What about you? Have you had a struggle lately? 


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